Guest Blogger Dan Gustafson. A tribute to my dad.
I am Dan
Gustafson and from our family thank you for being here to celebrate my dad.
This all
started with a young boy growing up in Cloquet, MN with a typical
childhood. A pet lamb named Billy
running on the kitchen floor, his father and uncle teaching him to fix
motorcycles in his parent’s basement and eventually moving to the cities. A chance meeting at the Rusty Nail with my
dad asking a pretty girl to dance, her polite decline, but then a conversation
about the Valentine card he had received from his parents was enough to
convince her to share the page number in the phone book where he could find her
number. Well he found it, and 47 years
of marriage, 3 kids and 9 grandchildren later and here we are today celebrating
the life of my dad.
I am proud
to be my father’s son and I certainly take after my dad in a lot of ways. He was not the most talkative and definitely
not particularly fond of public speaking.
Jerry Seinfeld has a joke about the fear of public speaking being the
most common fear and death being number two, meaning the average person would
rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
For me a chance to share about how much my dad means to me is enough to
overcome any fear of public speaking.
While my dad may have pondered the choice for a moment he would
certainly choose to still be here because he wanted more time with his family and
watching the grandchildren play and giggle and still had unfinished projects
that he was working on. As we went
through the progression of doctor appointments, he did not fear death nor carry
any feelings why is this happening to me or lose his sense of humor, his
questions were how much time do I have left to spend with my family and will I
be strong enough to work in my work shop.
With a likely Mesothelioma diagnosis upcoming, but still wanting to work
on his current projects, at my mother’s insistence he would have to wear a dust
mask to keep his lungs as healthy as possible and he did, safety first. That is my dad in a nutshell, selfless and only
asking about himself if it would affect his ability to have time with his
family and help others.
The love my
dad had for his family comes through in so many ways. One of the most evident
is found in pictures. You will
notice two things, he really likes to wear flannel, and more importantly he is
often looking down at the child or grandchild he is with adoringly.
Being a man
of few words, but overflowing with love for his family led dad to use his
actions to show us his love. I try to call
my parents most days and when my dad would answer, my question for him was
always what you are working on today. He
did not spend time with the usual retirement leisure activities of golf,
reading, travel, he spent his time building and most often it was something
requested by a child or grandchild. If you see it out there, take a look at his
project book or even take a look in the nursery here at Northgate to see the
ark he built for the church. He would downplay
his abilities, from his first lamps to recent massive projects, but he was so
talented and creative with the design and building. His projects fill our houses and almost
without exception they are not painted.
Dad loved the look of wood, especially walnut, and his projects were
made of solid wood and very sturdy. The
ongoing joke is the safest place in the event of a tornado is under a piece of
dad’s furniture. I am certain I have the
only solid wood, unpainted, stained and finished bean bag boards that could
also be used as storm shelter. He really
loved not only sharing his work with others, but also working with others. When Krista and I bought a home that we
wanted to remodel, he was on board and was even a little excited. The Google Map pictures are updated about
every 2-3 weeks and the picture of our house had his car in the driveway for
about a year. Some of my favorite
memories were working with him on the house and his praise on doing a good
job. He helped with the remodel in so
many ways including rewiring the house with me via Facetime as he was
recovering from knee surgery and not able to get into the attic. It was a pretty proud moment for him and me when
the electrical inspector came through and commented on how everything looked
great and how the wiring was neatly fastened above and beyond code
requirements. Again, my dad seeing to it that things were done right and trying
to pass that trait on to us.
Although he
spent a lot of full days working on his projects in retirement, retirement was
still a dramatic decrease in work for my dad.
His perfect retirement day was having a project to work on without a
deadline to complete it as he enjoyed the process. This was in contrast to his working days as
an electrician, which often started with a phone call before 6am from his boss
Kirk to discuss his day. Kirk called him
his right hand, and always knew a job was in good hands with dad. Although dad was proud of the work he did
with his hands, as we got older he spoke of his tired body and especially sore
knees from his physical work and encouraged us to work as much as we could with
our minds. For me personally, he inspired me to do what I do today. In high school he started sharing his 401(k)
statements and had me invest my earnings from summer work to learn about the
market. In addition he also did everything
he could financially to make these dreams possible. He started working a 2nd job
delivering pharmaceuticals to nursing homes a few nights and weekends. These affectionately named “drug runs” meant
he was leaving home at 6am arriving home at 4pm to have an early dinner with
his family and leaving again from 5pm to 11pm.
This work ethic put three kids through private colleges without any
student loans and had enough to assist each of us with our down payment on our
first houses.
His work
ethic provided for all of us and allowed my mom to stay home, but it was
accentuated with his financial wisdom, meaning he was frugal and what he earned
went a long way. We were never lacking
anything growing up and were even spoiled to each have our own car. This was helpful with all the sports,
activities and jobs, but it was double edged sword as his knowledge of cars
also meant he kept them running past their prime. Our 1979 olive green and rusty Buick Century
was pretty easy to spot in 1995, but it still ran well. Before computerization he was able to fix
just about anything in any car, but as he learned to care for a car, he was
smart enough to find another matching car to keep from having to learn
additional maintenance. That led us to
having a fleet of Plymouth Reliant cars at one time having a 1986, 87 and 88
including two white sedans and a gold station wagon.
Although he
most easily expressed his love through his actions and his words were few, they
were always important. If something was
troubling us mom would actively listen ask questions and help us list pros and
cons of every alternative. Dad would
listen, but his advice rarely changed from we love you, we support you and you
will make the right decision.
As I became
a dad, it was even more evident how much my dad gave and how selfless he was
because our need for his help increased.
We all found so much comfort knowing that whatever we needed that all we
had to do was to ask him and he would be willing to do it, and often times the
asking part was not even necessary. When
Krista went back to work in January after Henrik’s birth our daycare did not
have a spot for Henrik until May. We
found a nanny we liked that could do 3 ½ days per week and my parents
volunteered to take the other days. With
my mom still being active volunteering her availability was a bit limited, but
my dad said no problem he would take care of Henrik. Henrik was colicky and after about two weeks the
nanny said the 3 ½ days she was watching Henrik was too much for her, but
quickly we had the usual response when in need of help, my dad would do it. He
even told my mom that with more time he was going figure out Henrik and how to
keep him happy and napping. He
definitely did that and as some of you know Henrik is now 14 months and has
only slept through the night twice, so we liked to tease dad that he spoiled
him so much as every nap with Papa got to be in his arms. Dad held him for hours, just a Papa admiring
his grandson snuggled in his arms.
It is one
thing for a Papa to watch his grandson, but my dad also did similar care for
his mother in law and his own mother.
When his mother in law was no longer able to care for herself, but still
wanted to stay at home, my dad moved into her house near Madison for 6 weeks to
care for her around the clock until she passed away. And for his own mother, when she was no
longer able to live on her own, my dad visited her every day. She was also having memory lapses and would
call up to 10 times per night for a few years to ask where she was and when she
would be going home to the farm. My dad would answer each call as if it was the
first time she had asked and explain that she was living by us and that she was
home and everything was being taken care of for her.
My dad
almost always kept in emotions in check, but once a year on Christmas we had a
tradition prior to opening gifts of passing a candle around to give each person
a chance to share what they were thankful for.
This was the one time a year dad could not keep his emotions in and
would get a tear in his eye and a quiver in his voice as he shared how thankful
he was for his wife Becki, his children and their spouses and his grandchildren. Another tradition that started more recently
was the kissing hand. Earlier this
summer my son Cal was transitioning to a new class and was now clinging to
Krista or I at drop off and his only explanation was that he missed his mom and
dad when we left. Krista’s mom Vicki
gave us a book called The Kissing Hand about a mother raccoon taking her son to
school and kissing his hand. That kiss
would be with him no matter what and whenever you feel lonely just press the
kissing hand to your cheek and you will be filled with warm thoughts. So each day we gave Cal his kissing hand and
a sticker that came with the book. A
week or so later Cal came home with his sticker taped to his shirt with
packaging tape and we decided it was time to get a stamp that would not get
lost and could be replaced. My parents
knew this story and I was retelling it to my brother the day we received the
informal diagnosis in early November that it was likely Mesothelioma. I was struggling with the emotions that we
might not have much time with left with my dad and that anytime I left might be
the last time I see him and that I would miss him. Just like Cal I told my dad I needed a
kissing hand from him. Cal started giving him kissing hands when we would leave
and gave him a Kissing Hand sticker when he visited Papa in the hospital. Maria and Teresa had their own Kissing Hand tradition
that they gave to each other each night and at the bus stop so they joined
right in on the kissing hand and soon my dad was giving kissing hands to
everybody as they said goodbye. As this
has meant a lot to us over the past few weeks we have Kissing Hand stickers if
you would like to take one with you today.
After the
prognosis continued to worsen and the decision was made to allow dad to just be
comfortable. We had a great day with all of us together in the hospital,
sharing stories and memories and telling dad how much we loved him and how much
he meant to us. I stayed overnight with
him and for my dad not to protest and tell me to go home he had conceded he had
passed along his stubbornness to us and was happy to have someone with
him. That night as I sat next to him
while he slept and just held his hand, a few times came up where I needed my
hand back. As I slowly took it back he
squeezed harder on my hand and then when I would try again and he would turn to
me smile and go back to sleep. He slept
more and more on Wednesday night as my brother and sister stayed with him
overnight. And my dad in his last
selfless act waited for me and my mom to arrive to say our final goodbye in
person and passed to allow us to have everyone together for Thanksgiving dinner
and create Thanksgiving as our special time to be with each other and remember
him.
Through this
whole process of doctor appointments and hospitalization and his passing it was
good to see so much of my dad and be reminded of the person he was, being able
to tell him how much we love him, being able to see his legacy present in our
family and being reminded of my dad in the caring actions and words of our
friends and family. With families of our
own it is just not possible to consistently spend as much time with our parents
as we might like, but the past month was a gift being able to see him so much
and in the day to day of life. Until my
dad was no longer able, he thanked every nurse or doctor that came into his
room for their care. He even told a
physician’s assistant at urgent care that he would go to the emergency room to
make her feel better when she told him she would feel like she was not doing her
job if she could not convince him to go to the emergency room. The man that was
so used to taking care of everyone else before himself was so gracious in
receiving help when he needed it and was so appreciative. My dad’s legacy of selflessness was present
in my mom being with him for every doctor appointment and by his side for a
month straight. It was in my sister,
brother and I in making sure dad was never by himself and spending countless
hours in the hospital and every night to allow my mom to get some rest at
night, but still be comfortable that someone was with him. It is in our spouses, Krista, Lisa and Troy
were there to support us emotionally and to take on extra duties with kids to allow
us the time with our dad and even making Thanksgiving dinner. Our local in-laws,
were on call to help out when needed with extra kid help and Thanksgiving help
and the outpouring of support in visits, calls, texts, emails, food, flowers from
family and friends helps remind us that all these acts are what my dad would
have done for others in the same situation.
Every day I
think of him I am reminded how selfless and gracious he was and to strive for
those qualities in myself and to teach and model those qualities for our kids
as he has done for us. The best
compliment I can give is to tell someone they remind me of my dad and best
compliment I can hope to receive is that I remind someone of him. I know I will be sad as I miss my dad, but I
am thankful he was my dad, and as Cal has reminded me when I am sad, I still
have his kisses and he is in my heart and in heaven still watching over us.
